[rant.TV]

Feb. 28th, 2005 10:34 pm
[personal profile] xtina_testing
Allow me to describe to you every CSI show ever ever.

---

The crime happens.  For some reason, no one catches on to the fact that a crime scene investigator doesn't investigate people.

The lead guy glowers and is stern and stuff.  He finds the suspect, who lies, because that's what they do.  Sometimes they tell the truth, just to switch it up, but that just means they're really lying.

Science Happens.  Woosh!  It confirms that the first suspect has something to do with the original crime!

Suspect is brought into the Office Of Truth.  Unable to resist the truth-rays, the suspect tells the truth.

More Science.  Woosh!  Unbeknownst to the viewers at home, all scientists were forced to superglue their hair to their head, to prevent stray strands from dropping into the DNA samples.  They also had to wear clear face masks, which explains their acting.

The wily Science-O-Meter tracks down a better suspect, who is brought into the office in order to tell the truth nothing but.

Science Goes Woosh.  Woosh!  Now it's time for grisly stuff!  Because you really wanted to know the inner workings of a knife going into someone's eyeball!

Is it a third person?  Or does the woosh point to the first one again?  Wacky hijinks ensue!  Oh the funky suspense!

The lead guy glowers some more.  Watch him glower.  Doesn't he look a lot like William Macy?  Well, he isn't.  Glower glower glower.

And lo, a sudden twist at the end!  It was the person you least suspected the most!  Er, the least!  Least most the least!  Ah, whatever.  Someone was caught, or something, and... that's... good.  Yes!  We all can get behind that, right?

In closing, the makers of the show would like to point out to you that the show is based on the fact that one person's observation of events (a) isn't the entirety of the matter and (b) he might be lying, so nyeah, you couldn't have figured that out on your own anyways, not unless you're a Crime Scene Investigator.

---

Dear god, I hate this show.  On the bright side, I have the best icon for this rant.

Date: 2005-03-01 03:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hawver.livejournal.com
This is seriously the funniest post I've seen from you in a long long time. This is [livejournal.com profile] perich-worth, and that's quite the compliment from me :)

Date: 2005-03-01 03:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
I feel as though I should get this printed on a certificate, or something.  ;)

Date: 2005-03-01 03:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] servermonkey.livejournal.com
She blinded me with science?

...and it's YOUR fault!

Date: 2005-03-01 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] coyotegoth.livejournal.com
I now want a T-shirt saying, "Science happens."

CSI

Date: 2005-03-01 03:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ethernight.livejournal.com
The thing I find most hard to swallow - and this might just be an artifact of watching television - is that there is such a plethora of beautiful women working in crime investigation!

On the bright side, it gives me good ideas for how to avoid getting caught, should I feel the urge to commit a crime. Like - if I ever have to hide a body I am SO encasing it in tar. It all would have worked too if it hadn't been for those lousy kids him sloppily letting the foot hang out the edge. Pft! All that work and you let a foot stick out!?! Have some pride in your work man!


"Dear god, I hate this show."

I would recommend watching something not-CSI.

Re: CSI

Date: 2005-03-01 04:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
B watches the show, and it has Magnetic Powers.  As mandated by Congress.  *solemn nod*

Re: CSI

Date: 2005-03-01 04:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinboy.livejournal.com
Obviously you need to kill either the TV, or him.

Date: 2005-03-01 04:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ourika.livejournal.com
That's a perfect description.

And I'm still ashamed to admit that I like it.

Date: 2005-03-01 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] correspondguy.livejournal.com
Not to mention that everyone suddenly forgets about their constitutional rights, never asks for a lawyer, and every judge in the world immediately forgets about the words "probable cause" the second magical science stuff is mentioned.

I cannot stop mentioning the episode when they got a search warrant on the basis of a smell that they located with a mechanical nose. Or, the warrant they got based on a mixture of hand lotions they got off an electrical cord.

Date: 2005-03-01 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lysana.livejournal.com
You forgot "they completely misrepresent the subculture in which the death occurred."

Date: 2005-03-01 05:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
*headslap*  I always miss something.

Date: 2005-03-01 05:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] integreillumine.livejournal.com
CSI doesn't even have an inexplicably awesome double-tone like Law & Order. ;) Nevermind that the investigators do ridiculous things like get interrogation info from kids without their parents around...

Date: 2005-03-01 08:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dda.livejournal.com
CSI doesn't even have an inexplicably awesome double-tone like Law & Order. ;)

This is, of course, the best part of Law & Order, the franchise. They've milked it from different cities to "Special Victims" and are going to harass Juries now.

I've never watched any CSI stuff and now I don't have to! :-)

Date: 2005-03-01 08:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grimmwire.livejournal.com
If you think CSI is dumb (and it is), you should see Numbers. A show about a mathematician who solves crimes -- seriously, I kid you not. Produced by Ridley and Tony Scott (!), so of course it looks smashing. For a show about a mathematician. Who solves crimes. And Judd Hirsch plays his father, so there's some Decent Acting at least. Though mostly non-Decent-Acting. So who cares if the plot makes no sense of any kind? If the "math" the show supposedly valorizes is completely bogus? If the FBI cop gets a search warrant based entirely on his suspicion that some guy who killed himself must've been on to something when he said that office tower was unsafe, so let's go on a fishing expedition? Snooping in medical records, even. With absolutely no evidence of any kind to support this suspicion? And when they find out that Yes, Something is indeed Fishy in New Amsterdam, nobody seems to notice that there is no possible way in the known universe for the Dead Guy to have had any idea that the building was unsafe? Unless, of course, he was psychic. Ooo, there's an idea; a psychic medium who solves crimes! Wait, no, that's another bad new show....

Lengthy rant instead of comment -- so sorry!

Date: 2005-03-01 03:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epi-lj.livejournal.com
I saw Numb3rs the other day (note the actual l33t spelling of the show's name) and thought it was pretty awful. (I was at a gaming party where 50% of the participants were terribly into the show and wanted to watch it and the other 50% had never seen it before, so we took a break to watch it.) The entire thing was amazingly contrived -- someone committing a bunch of heinous crimes and leaving a piece of paper with a grid of numbers at each crime scene. WTF?

Also, they needed to use the Hackers glowing-number-and-formulas-around-the-guy's-head thing a lot, so they continually had him do things that aren't even kind of feasible in his head and eschew using a computer for them. For example, they had a list of an absurd number of trains, each with five or six numerical statistics, and he had the five or six numerical statistics for another train. He wanted to find all the ones in the big list that were kind of close to the one he had. They asked if he couldn't use a computer but he said that he didn't have time to write the program, so he would do it by hand. WTF? Not like it's important to get this right or anything -- not like a huge number of people's lives are on the line. Also, not like the program would take about three seconds to write.

On the other hand, Medium is unfathomably worse. (I've also seen only one episode, but it was one where the woman who we're all supposed to feel sympathy with stalks some guy and commits a number of actual crimes and generally goes around freaking people out and also plays a side-role in trashing her husband's hopes and dreams because she had a premonition that some guy was going to commit a crime sometime, like, a decade in the future.)

Date: 2005-03-01 02:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mhaille.livejournal.com
Hey, at least the ones set in Vegas have Hawt Grissom. They've implied that he's a furry, a sub, and who all knows what else. Come on, who doesn't love overly pedantic and literal men?

Date: 2005-03-01 02:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epi-lj.livejournal.com
Given that I seem to recall you ranting on this subject before and that you seem to have seen it often enough to have established a framework for episodes of it, I'm curious as to why you keep watching the show.

Date: 2005-03-01 03:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
The first couple of times, I was lured in by Science and thinking.  Then I realised how inane it was.  It was a gradual process.

Also, B watches it, and TV has supre magnetic powerz.

Date: 2005-03-01 03:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epi-lj.livejournal.com
Ahh, I understand how that goes. I get that with [livejournal.com profile] okoshun a fair bit. I've absorbed a lot of second-hand TV through her.

I actually don't mind CSI: Miami that much, although mostly because I like the one guy's voice and the gun woman's character is kind of interesting. I don't think I could watch all that much of it, though. I do find a lot of the investigations pretty ridiculous, and am often heard commenting about how the stuff they're doing wouldn't hold up even one second in court.

Date: 2005-03-01 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trista.livejournal.com
I am now shrieking with laughter. That was brilliantly done. :)

Date: 2005-03-01 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-gargoyle.livejournal.com
Ah, just call in the Mythbusters- they can soolve the same crime based on an ancient urban legend from Hungary and then just for fun stuff the crime scene with exlosives and make a big boom...
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